Mother says....

My mother always said "if you can't say anything nice then don't say anything at all!" Well, No, actually she never said that. She DID say "I don't ever want to hear you saying the word 'Stupid' ever again, do you understand me? (all with teeth tightly clenched). So, in keeping with my mothers warning, I have be absent from the blogging world. I will resurface again when I am feeling less negative, can be a productive member of society, and remember not to dive into rants and gratuitously use the word "STUPID" (which is, coincidentally, frequently punctuated by some other less than appropriate word.)

Birthday Pancake Breakfast

A birthday tradition. PANCAKE BREAKFAST! Yum!

Miss K thoroughly enjoyed her pancakes, as you can see in the photos below...

Looming First Birthday

My baby is nearly a year old. A year old! A whole freaking year old! My baby is nearly a year old! This, by default, makes me old. Im old. She is old and I am old. OLD! And it only took 365 days. My god!

I can hardly wrap my brain around it. I weep remembering back to the day she was born. I weep when I watch her sleep tonight, taking up a larger and larger portion of her crib as the days pass. I weep because Im a crier (see Just one of those nights...) and my baby is growing up so quickly. I never imagined being this emotional over the milestone. I don't know why this surprises me, I have squealed with delight and cried over all the other milestones. I have posted pictures and praised and bragged about my kid to the moon and back. And yet... I am surprised how much this birthday overwhelms me. My amazing little girl; my tiny little 25 weeker; my ass kicking, smirk wearing, hostage taking (of hearts of course!), cat crushing, 'dada' loving, little girl is growing up too fast!

I spent days, and weeks, and months begging Kahlen to get bigger and stronger... and now she is big and strong and I want to beg her to slow down. Ironic, no? I want to slow time for a few days. I want to take the time to remember how she feels in my arms, as I have forgotten how it felt to hold her when she was a mere 2, 4, and even 6 pounds. I want to take the time to commit her toothless grin to memory before her two new teeth take over her mouth. I really want to take the time to commit her attention seeking laugh, her infatuation with Steve's running shoes, and the way she nuzzles into my neck when we cuddle, to memory. I don't want to wish away another moment. I made a promise tonight, to Kahlen, that I would never wish away another second with her. I am resolved, I am committed, I am in love.

And with her wicked sense of timing she calls out to me "mom mom mom"... duty calls. I guess my baby is still a baby after all :)

Domestic Mom Strikes Again.

As mentioned in my last post, I am making 2 new blankets for Miss K. Its sort of a case of reverse nesting. I never got to nest because Kahlen arrived so early so I'm giving it some effort now. Ha! It gives me the chance to make her something, and it keeps me from going stir crazy too.

 So... The first blanket:

Choose two different colours/patterns of fleece fabric. I chose one solid and one pattern, but you could use two solids or two patterns if you wanted. Make sure the fleece isn't too thick, or it will ruin your scissors and give you a bunch of trouble! Also, the size/amount of fabric depends on how big you want your blanket to be. My pieces are roughly 1.5 meters and make a blanket large enough to cover Kahlen's crib mattress completely. Since I am making 2 blankets I wanted one to be big enough to grow into.

Grab your sewing box (or in this case Aunite Scotts), even though this is a "no-sew" project.

 

Lay the pieces of fabric on top of one another. Fleece is pretty stretchy so try not to pull the weave too tight if you can. Then pin the two pieces together about 7 inches from the edge. Next, you are going to cut strips that are 1 inch thick and 5 inches long along one side of the blanket. You can either cut directly into each side, or fold the side over 2.5 inches (shown above) and then cut.

Cut the entire length of the side. Make sure your scissors are sharp or your hand will really hurt!

Unfold alternating strips...

... and tie knots in everyother set of strips. Make sure to tie both fabrics together into the same knot.

I just lopped and knotted, but you could also use a square or 'regular' knot. Each creates a slightly different look.  A looped knot or square knot makes a neater fringe along the edge, a regular knot creates a more wild/fun fringe.

Knot alternating strips of fabric the entire length of the side.

Then flip the blanket over and repeat the same knotting steps. This helps keep the knotted fringe look neater because the bulk of the knot faces different ways, and make things more uniform.

(close up of knots)

This is one finished side. Repeat with the other 3 sides and... TA DA!

Blanket

Miss K hiding in her blanket.

(note: my camera is dying a slow and painful death. I apologize for the increasingly terrible photos)

Just one of those nights...

Im a crier. Im a big time crier. Just ask the people in my life. I cry, and Im not a fan of hugs (which often makes for awkward moments). I cry because 1) Im a softy, and 2) I often don't know how else to deal with something. I cried every day while K was in the NICU. Literally everyday. Tears of joy, sorrow, and fear. Often several cries a day. Now, I cry less often, but I cry. I cry when I think that my amazing little 25 weeker is going to be a year old in 10 days. I cry because I am so happy that she is sleeping quietly in the next room right now. I cry because we were told she would make it, twice. I cry remembering the times she was blue and unmoving. I cry remembering the first time I held her, the first time she wore clothes, the first time she smiled. I cry because I haven't finished processing it all yet, and Im at a loss how to deal with these heart wrenching memories. I weep bitterly, cursing everything and everyone at all once, about how unfair it was Kahlen came early, and then chastise myself for being so selfish. My daughter, my amazing little girl, is home... is healthy... is thriving! I am so lucky and have so much to be thankful for.... but I cry.

I am making a new blanket for Kahlen. I suppose if I am being honest I am making it for myself too. I am reverse nesting. My daughter is nearly one, and I have decided (sometimes against my better judgement) to start nesting. Odd, but so is life when your kid arrives 15 weeks early. I am on the floor with meters of fleece fabric. Warm, soft, inviting fleece. I am cutting, measuring, cutting again, and swearing. I laugh out loud at my pathetic attempt at domesticity (yet another one), and yet am excited for tomorrow morning when I show Miss K what I made her. I document the fiasco with pictures, hoping that Martha Stewart never stumbles across my blog, and Days of Our Lives plays in the background.

Then, she whimpers. My sleepy little girl whines. Quickly the whine develops and evolves into a cry, and then a wail. I leap up, 'mom to the rescue', and open the door to find her standing in her crib begging "mom mom mom". She desperately reaches for me, and I lift her and embrace her. She inhales deeply, still begging "mom mom mom" and then she lets out a long, sighing, peaceful, breath and melts into my arms. She snuggles her nose into the nook of my neck, and releases the tension of her body, trusting me to support each and every part of her growing body. She breaths deeply, and slowly, and I hum some random unplanned melody. We snuggle in the dark. Me, sitting on the most uncomfortable kitchen chair in the world, unsuccessfully masquerading as a nursery chair; and Kahlen, sleeping peacfully in my loving embrace. I cry. Its okay though, Im already getting a hug from Miss K... and for a change, its not an awkward one.