I have moved... AGAIN!

I have moved... AGAING! YEESH!

I can now be found at : http://kbkeller.wordpress.com/

Has moved!

I decided to try another blog hosting site. Let me know what you think :)

The blog is now located at http://kelseykeller.tumblr.com/

I hope you'll move with me!

For those of you who know me...

For those of you who know me... this won't come as a surprise...

Im having a big cry tonight.

It was long overdue. I've been avoiding it for a while. I thought I'd try something new, that Id try not to cry and bottle it up instead. What a waste of energy! Im a crier. Its who I am. I am learning to embrace it. I might even stop apologizing for it one day. But for now, Im sorry, I couldn't stop it tonight.

Im frustrated. Im tired and frustrated. Im grieving, and tired, and frustrated. Im a wreck tonight.

It wasn't supposed to be like this. I know I sound like a spoiled teenager, but its true!  It wasn't supposed to be like this. Nothing went as planned. It all happened so quickly. It happened so fast, I feel like I still haven't caught up. I still can't wrap my brain around it. Im still lost and scared... and.... well... sad.

I have a wonderful friend, actually I have more wonderful friends that I think I deserve, but there is one in particular who inspires me, and who I am thinking of tonight. When I feel like I have been dealt an unreasonable hand; when Im feeling all of things things mentioned above; and more importantly, when I am pretending that I am okay, I think of her. I think of her because while I am pretending Im okay, she is admitting she isn't. I admire her ability to be vulnerable. I admire this skill for a number of reasons, one of which being that I am not good at being vulnerable. Sure, I have moments of it, usually short lived moments, but Im not very good at it. Im not comfortable with it. I feel awkward and embarrassed when Im vulnerable which is ridiculous because those of you who know me, know I talk about things that are exceedingly inappropriate and truly embarrassing with out batting an eyelash. I am apparently a walking conundrum (makes me sound pretty exciting eh? Im not, don't get too excited!).

That being said. I am inspired tonight (Thanks T!). This is my stab at vulnerability. Doing it online gives me the opportunity to give it a shot and avoid the obligatory hugs that come with it, the hugs that make me equally uncomfortable.

Im frustrated. Im tired and frustrated. Im grieving, and tired, and frustrated. Im a wreck tonight.

Im fighting a loosing battle

I keep getting ideas for new posts but forgetting them. I think I may be loosing my memory. I fear I am getting old. Here is the mounting evidence in support of my old age:

- I found 3 new grey hairs this week (all of which I promptly plucked)

- I say things like "I remember that gas only cost 33 cents a litre when I first started driving"

- I have a kid. No, worse. I have a toddler.

- I actually eat breakfast at breakfast time

- Young people offer me their seat on the bus.

- I play 'Sag. Where is it?" rather than "Tag. You are it!"

- I have more food in the fridge now than beer in the fridge.

- I look forward to getting into my PJs and having a dull night.

- I turn of the lights to save money, not to make things romantic.

- I find myself singing along with the elevator music and saying "I loved this song when I was a kid"

- I have a party and when I apologize to the the neighbours they say "I didn't hear a thing!"

- I have begun to think that having sex while Kahlen is asleep in the next room is 'wild'

- My friends are getting married and divorced instead of hooking up and breaking up

- I no longer know what time all the fast food chain restaurants close at night.

- my grocery list actually include vegetables and fruit and not just 'rice' and 'kraft dinner'

- A late night run is now made to the grocery store for diapers instead to the liquor store for 'one more bottle'

- more and more frequently I find myself thinking "you know,my mom was right about this."

Terrifying. Truly terrifying. I remember the blog ideas were 'great' and would most certainly entertain the masses (most likely at my expense). I honestly can't remember a single one though. Hmmmm. This bites (Eeeek. Even saying THAT makes me old!)

...and so are the Days of Our Lives.

Kahlen and I snuggled watching a PVRed episode of Days of Our Lives tonight. The WHOLE episode. My kid, Miss damn-it-mom-put-me-down-I-have-more-important-things-to-do-than-cuddle-with-you, snuggled in beside me on our lumpy, well loved couch, and watched an entire episode of Days of Our Lives. I attribute this to two very important factors: 1) She LOVES Stephano (the evil villain for those that don't watch) who was a major part of today's episode and 2) she had just wrestled me for the remote control and won. She played couch commando, dominating the remote, increasing and decreasing the volume level with glee. She lazily stretched out using my robust thigh as her pillow and I sat nearly motionless, fearing that one wrong move or breath may bring our moment to a grinding hault. We watched an hour of TV. I avoided fast forwarding the commercials like I normally do, greedily enjoying every second with my girl. Admittedly, watching TV with your 14 month old is far from quality time, but I'll take it because these moments of prolonged physical contact are rare for Miss K and I. For a fleeting hour my toddler regressed, and I had my baby back.

Grassland Liberation

Today I met up with Barb and her ADORABLE kids Naveen and Prachetas. It took us weeks, and weeks, and weeks to finally get together (damn sick kids) but it was worth the wait. We grabbed a coffee at 'Bucks and fed the kids some brunch. After a while all 3 kids got a bit squirmy so we walked over to Sapperton Park. I'll be honest, I wasn't a huge fan of the park before, but It kind of grew on me today. I usually walk the extra 10 blocks to Hume Park (which I adore, this park has everything) but we were on a tight schedule, and Sapperton Park was right next door. So we walked over and put the kids on the swings. An adorable photo op... but I forgot. Prachetas giggled away, Miss K watched him with a smirk, and Naveen ran wild. Then we went over to the big swings, another great photo op, but I forgot. I watched Prachetas walk around, occasionally sitting and playing with the grass and I laughed at how uptight I am. I wouldn't let K sit/crawl on the grass in case she got wet/dirty. How stupid am I? She is a kid right? So I let go. I let her crawl, and sit, and fall in love with the grass. She ripped it, tossed it, and I think even sampled a few blades. She was adorable, and I fell even more in love with her. 

(she looks a little unsure... but seconds later she was all smiles)

Kahlen LOVED having Naveen there, and I think Naveen was enjoying having another little girl around. Kahlen and she sat, sometimes snuggling side-by-side, enjoying the sun and the grass. As soon as I picked up the camera Naveen played shy, lay down and covered her eyes. SO cute! Kahlen, was totally oblivious to me and the camera... "can't smile mom, eating grass."

And finally we walked (yes all of us walked... K with some help though) over to a grassy area and the kids helped themselves to an impromptu picnic. Kahlen clutched her new snack cup (a wonderful invention) and Naveen sprinkled the contents of a second snack cup (which I had no idea was in the stroller basket) on the grass for her and her brother to share. They sat snacking, and I stood watching, dumbfounded by how big our little premies have become (P was a 26 weeker). 

I find it so exciting and heart wrenching when I watch her grow up, or more accurately, when I turn around and realize she has grown up without me noticing. I am hoping the weather is nice tomorrow, I am in the mood for another park day!

So long, farewell....

Im off. I quit. Im done. Finito. No one reads my blog, and I have run out of time and energy to write it for myself anymore... ha ha ha. I hope you've enjoyed the ride!

Kelsey

Simple Joys

I love the way very young kids act when they think no one is watching. They are so genuine. Kahlen just spent the last 20 minutes putting her doll in and out of her very own bouncy chair. Clapping each time she correctly put the doll into the chair. It was so adorable, and so cute to see her making sense of the world around her. I adore her. Makes me smile and feel all warm and fuzzy!

Is that the sunrise already?

It is nearly 3am.

Kahlen has been crying and screaming off and on for 3 hours. 

It looks something like this: 

This is just am example of K melting down, This picture was taken yesterday afternoon.

I am at a loss. I have tried EVERYTHING. Seriously, EVERYTHING, and yet she cries. It breaks my heart and makes me furious at the same time. I snuggle her, reassure her, and... she cries.

Im at a loss. This is the worst part of parenthood!

Ladies Night, Fingers to Toes

We had another Ladies night. This time we went to the Pure Nail Bar in Port Moody's Sutter Brooke Village (kitty corner from New Port Villiage). The Nail Bar advertises: "after hours parties-beginning at 6pm, book your own private party. reserve the nail bar any night of the week and you and your guests can get pampered exclusively! minimum $400 to be spent in services."

I thought a private party would be a fun idea, and I wasn't opposed to being papered either. So I rounded up the gals, called the Nail Bar and booked us in, and sat back eagerly awaiting the night out away from Miss K (who has become a tantrum queen). I should have been more savvy and more attentive to my intuition when, on the day of our ladies night, I got a call from the nail bar. The converstaion went somthing like this "... blah blah blah. Would you mind coming in earlier tonight? The party is booked or 7pm which makes it a long day for the girls. 6pm would work better for us." To which I replied "sorry no, 7pm was booked for a reason. No one could possible get there any earlier." Admittedly, I was lying. We could have gone earlier but I was annoyed that they called on the morning of our ladies night to change the start time, when they had know about the party for nearly 2 weeks prior. Hmmmph! So, we arrived at the Nail Bar, eager to relax, eat, chat, drink, and unwind while being pampered. As soon as we walked through the doors we were quickly herded to the couches and encouraged (strongly) to get our services started. I had hoped to grab a drink, unpack my goodies and say "hello" to the other ladies before settling in for my services, but I sat down anyways and decided to go with the flow. I sat and was pampered and enjoyed my Mani-Pedi Combo ($65 with tax and gratuity included) and chatted with Emily and Candace who were nearest to me. Well, to be honest, I chatted with everyone... loudly. I had fun laughing with my friends and eating too many brownies (thats DC). BUT... I have a gripe. Just one. The whole experience felt rushed. From the second that the woman called me to see if we could come earlier, I felt rushed. Get in, get your services, and get out. I wanted to chat and catch up with friends. I wanted to luxuriate with friends and get pampered. I wanted to relax. I wanted something different than my normal day-day frazzled state. I wasn't able to FULLY relax and unwind because I felt like the 'girls' HAD in fact had a long day, and were ready to go home and relax themselves (they were friendly though). So we were kind of rushed though our services, had a quick visit in the Nail bar, gobbled our delish snacks (good job ladies!), and headed to Starbucks so we could spend more time catching up.

All in all, I had fun, but wasn't 'wowed' by the Pure Nail Bar. Might be a fun afternoon destination with a friend but Im not going to encourage anyone to book an after hours party with them. I hope the ladies had fun regardless of the rushed feel. It was great to see you all and catch up. I promise the next ladies night will be MUCH more relaxed.... im thinking someplace with alcohol.. ha ha ha.

Notice how we all went with bright colours for our toes. Only one person went with a bring colour for her fingernails, the rest went neutral. Hmmmm ;)

Out With The Old, In With The New

I needed a change. Something new, something different. I wanted to tweak, find inspiration, and morph something... on a budget. So I did. 

I decided to change the photo frames above my TV. Please disregard the mess. I started this project with Hurricane Kahlen in full swing.I decided I wanted to update the pictures in those photo frames. They had wedding pictures in them... from 5 years ago...and while I love my husband and our wedding... I'm not eager to look at something each day that reminds me of my old body... the skinny one that I'll not likely see again.

I decided to replace them with a random set of prints. I chose these prints because I liked the colours, I liked that they matched, and I thought they would be a good starting point for a TOTAL 'do over' of our living room. I actually stumbled across them while searching www.Etsy.com, a new guilty pleasure of mine. I started by taking a peak at Priscilla's page (EXCELLENT!) to see what new things she has on the go, and then just kind of surfed. Eventually I ended up at Kamil Paper and bought two sets of note cards. The whole order cost me $4.25 including shipping and helped me uphold my 'budget' requirement.

I wanted to make the frames more colourful but also more airy and light. I decided to take the back of the frame off so the frames more closely resembled a shadow box, without the expense of having to buy a shadow box.

 

I then needed to find a way to attache the cards so that you could still see through the frame. I found some good old overhead sheets (a teacher staple) in my office and cut them to size.

I mounted the cards on the see-through over heads, and then put them into the frames.

(Here are a few so you get the idea)

Finally I put the frames back up on the wall where they used to be in their new and improved state.

Its not a HUGE difference, but once we get the new couch and chair, Im going to pull colours out of the cards as accents. It felt like a small victory in the war against my home. We've lived here for almost a year now and we are STILL in the process of unpacking (shameful I know!). So, I feel like Im finally starting to make it a home....it's a nice feeling.

*Warning Adult Tantrum*

Bad things come in 3s? I call bullshit. Pardon my language... but COME ON! I think I am on 'bad thing' number 32 in the past 18 months. Uhhhh. I was feeling negative before, but this... THIS, is the icing on the proverbial cake. I quit. I can't win. I try but I'm fighting a loosing battle against some... some... THING, I cant see, hear of ass kick. Uhhhhh. Give me a F*#@ing break! I am frustrated beyond any measurable means... I am PISSED. FURIOUS. ABOUT TO UNLEASH....

What, you ask, pushed me over the edge? Wouldn't you like to know...

Where is the Pink Pig, oink oink oink.

Its amazing how the smallest things can make your day. My darling daughter, my smart, tenacious, wild little 25 weeker found the pig today. I know you must be thinking "Found the pig? What the hell does that mean?" She has a pig. Its part of a set (chick, pig, sheep, cow) that stack on top of one another. In our house nothing stays stacked for long though. Hurricane Kahlen (I say hurricane and not tornado, because hurricanes are wet just like the river of drool that runs from Miss Ks mouth!) blows though the toys and instantly they are scattered from corner-to-corner and wall-to-wall. I have been making an effort to name everything in the hopes it helps her language development. "This is a yellow chick, cheep cheep cheep". "This is a pink pig, oink oink oink." This is a _______, and so on. Well today, just for kicks I said "Kahlen, where is the pink pig, oink oink oink?" and she stopped throwing things, looked around, located and then crawled to the pink pig. She picked it up triumphantly, crawled it over to me and handed it to me. "Eeeeeeee, you SMART girl!" I exclaimed. "You smart smart girl. This IS the pink pig!" And so my day started. This was the first time (other than her wailing when I tell her 'NO") that I think she really understood what I was saying and interacted with me like this. I mean, she must know what Im talking about some days, she understands 'up' and 'hungry' and 'milk' among others, but this was the first time I felt like she was not only listening but REALLY understanding me. It was so small, and yet I feel so inflated with pride. "Where is the pink pig?" I wonder how long it will take for that one to get old... ha ha ha.

Spring Cleaning

Hello everyone,

This is a plea for help. I have been making survival kits for new parents to the NICU (parents of babes 30 weeks gestation and younger) but have run out of donated materials, and personal funds. I am planning a 'spring cleaning' garage sale (Im thinking mid May) to help raise funds to continue this project. The first few weeks in the NICU are heart wrenching, terrifying, intense and exhausting. The survival kit contains the things I found most useful during my first few weeks:

- magazines to help pass the time
- a journal to keep notes/memories
- a $10 visa gift card (for those 'oh shit' moments when your parking runs out)
- a $10 Tim Hortons coffee fund
- aveno baby moisturizer
- tiny onesie for babe (when they are ready)
- reusable water bottle
- and more....

I am inviting you to donate some of your gently used items, as we all head into 'spring cleaning' mode. I am happy to come pick up donations if you are generous enough to donate. This is a really wonderful cause, and you could really make a difference, and get rid of some clutter in the process.

Thanks for your support!

Mother says....

My mother always said "if you can't say anything nice then don't say anything at all!" Well, No, actually she never said that. She DID say "I don't ever want to hear you saying the word 'Stupid' ever again, do you understand me? (all with teeth tightly clenched). So, in keeping with my mothers warning, I have be absent from the blogging world. I will resurface again when I am feeling less negative, can be a productive member of society, and remember not to dive into rants and gratuitously use the word "STUPID" (which is, coincidentally, frequently punctuated by some other less than appropriate word.)

Birthday Pancake Breakfast

A birthday tradition. PANCAKE BREAKFAST! Yum!

Miss K thoroughly enjoyed her pancakes, as you can see in the photos below...

Looming First Birthday

My baby is nearly a year old. A year old! A whole freaking year old! My baby is nearly a year old! This, by default, makes me old. Im old. She is old and I am old. OLD! And it only took 365 days. My god!

I can hardly wrap my brain around it. I weep remembering back to the day she was born. I weep when I watch her sleep tonight, taking up a larger and larger portion of her crib as the days pass. I weep because Im a crier (see Just one of those nights...) and my baby is growing up so quickly. I never imagined being this emotional over the milestone. I don't know why this surprises me, I have squealed with delight and cried over all the other milestones. I have posted pictures and praised and bragged about my kid to the moon and back. And yet... I am surprised how much this birthday overwhelms me. My amazing little girl; my tiny little 25 weeker; my ass kicking, smirk wearing, hostage taking (of hearts of course!), cat crushing, 'dada' loving, little girl is growing up too fast!

I spent days, and weeks, and months begging Kahlen to get bigger and stronger... and now she is big and strong and I want to beg her to slow down. Ironic, no? I want to slow time for a few days. I want to take the time to remember how she feels in my arms, as I have forgotten how it felt to hold her when she was a mere 2, 4, and even 6 pounds. I want to take the time to commit her toothless grin to memory before her two new teeth take over her mouth. I really want to take the time to commit her attention seeking laugh, her infatuation with Steve's running shoes, and the way she nuzzles into my neck when we cuddle, to memory. I don't want to wish away another moment. I made a promise tonight, to Kahlen, that I would never wish away another second with her. I am resolved, I am committed, I am in love.

And with her wicked sense of timing she calls out to me "mom mom mom"... duty calls. I guess my baby is still a baby after all :)

Domestic Mom Strikes Again.

As mentioned in my last post, I am making 2 new blankets for Miss K. Its sort of a case of reverse nesting. I never got to nest because Kahlen arrived so early so I'm giving it some effort now. Ha! It gives me the chance to make her something, and it keeps me from going stir crazy too.

 So... The first blanket:

Choose two different colours/patterns of fleece fabric. I chose one solid and one pattern, but you could use two solids or two patterns if you wanted. Make sure the fleece isn't too thick, or it will ruin your scissors and give you a bunch of trouble! Also, the size/amount of fabric depends on how big you want your blanket to be. My pieces are roughly 1.5 meters and make a blanket large enough to cover Kahlen's crib mattress completely. Since I am making 2 blankets I wanted one to be big enough to grow into.

Grab your sewing box (or in this case Aunite Scotts), even though this is a "no-sew" project.

 

Lay the pieces of fabric on top of one another. Fleece is pretty stretchy so try not to pull the weave too tight if you can. Then pin the two pieces together about 7 inches from the edge. Next, you are going to cut strips that are 1 inch thick and 5 inches long along one side of the blanket. You can either cut directly into each side, or fold the side over 2.5 inches (shown above) and then cut.

Cut the entire length of the side. Make sure your scissors are sharp or your hand will really hurt!

Unfold alternating strips...

... and tie knots in everyother set of strips. Make sure to tie both fabrics together into the same knot.

I just lopped and knotted, but you could also use a square or 'regular' knot. Each creates a slightly different look.  A looped knot or square knot makes a neater fringe along the edge, a regular knot creates a more wild/fun fringe.

Knot alternating strips of fabric the entire length of the side.

Then flip the blanket over and repeat the same knotting steps. This helps keep the knotted fringe look neater because the bulk of the knot faces different ways, and make things more uniform.

(close up of knots)

This is one finished side. Repeat with the other 3 sides and... TA DA!

Blanket

Miss K hiding in her blanket.

(note: my camera is dying a slow and painful death. I apologize for the increasingly terrible photos)