Has moved!

I decided to try another blog hosting site. Let me know what you think :)

The blog is now located at http://kelseykeller.tumblr.com/

I hope you'll move with me!

For those of you who know me...

For those of you who know me... this won't come as a surprise...

Im having a big cry tonight.

It was long overdue. I've been avoiding it for a while. I thought I'd try something new, that Id try not to cry and bottle it up instead. What a waste of energy! Im a crier. Its who I am. I am learning to embrace it. I might even stop apologizing for it one day. But for now, Im sorry, I couldn't stop it tonight.

Im frustrated. Im tired and frustrated. Im grieving, and tired, and frustrated. Im a wreck tonight.

It wasn't supposed to be like this. I know I sound like a spoiled teenager, but its true!  It wasn't supposed to be like this. Nothing went as planned. It all happened so quickly. It happened so fast, I feel like I still haven't caught up. I still can't wrap my brain around it. Im still lost and scared... and.... well... sad.

I have a wonderful friend, actually I have more wonderful friends that I think I deserve, but there is one in particular who inspires me, and who I am thinking of tonight. When I feel like I have been dealt an unreasonable hand; when Im feeling all of things things mentioned above; and more importantly, when I am pretending that I am okay, I think of her. I think of her because while I am pretending Im okay, she is admitting she isn't. I admire her ability to be vulnerable. I admire this skill for a number of reasons, one of which being that I am not good at being vulnerable. Sure, I have moments of it, usually short lived moments, but Im not very good at it. Im not comfortable with it. I feel awkward and embarrassed when Im vulnerable which is ridiculous because those of you who know me, know I talk about things that are exceedingly inappropriate and truly embarrassing with out batting an eyelash. I am apparently a walking conundrum (makes me sound pretty exciting eh? Im not, don't get too excited!).

That being said. I am inspired tonight (Thanks T!). This is my stab at vulnerability. Doing it online gives me the opportunity to give it a shot and avoid the obligatory hugs that come with it, the hugs that make me equally uncomfortable.

Im frustrated. Im tired and frustrated. Im grieving, and tired, and frustrated. Im a wreck tonight.

Im fighting a loosing battle

I keep getting ideas for new posts but forgetting them. I think I may be loosing my memory. I fear I am getting old. Here is the mounting evidence in support of my old age:

- I found 3 new grey hairs this week (all of which I promptly plucked)

- I say things like "I remember that gas only cost 33 cents a litre when I first started driving"

- I have a kid. No, worse. I have a toddler.

- I actually eat breakfast at breakfast time

- Young people offer me their seat on the bus.

- I play 'Sag. Where is it?" rather than "Tag. You are it!"

- I have more food in the fridge now than beer in the fridge.

- I look forward to getting into my PJs and having a dull night.

- I turn of the lights to save money, not to make things romantic.

- I find myself singing along with the elevator music and saying "I loved this song when I was a kid"

- I have a party and when I apologize to the the neighbours they say "I didn't hear a thing!"

- I have begun to think that having sex while Kahlen is asleep in the next room is 'wild'

- My friends are getting married and divorced instead of hooking up and breaking up

- I no longer know what time all the fast food chain restaurants close at night.

- my grocery list actually include vegetables and fruit and not just 'rice' and 'kraft dinner'

- A late night run is now made to the grocery store for diapers instead to the liquor store for 'one more bottle'

- more and more frequently I find myself thinking "you know,my mom was right about this."

Terrifying. Truly terrifying. I remember the blog ideas were 'great' and would most certainly entertain the masses (most likely at my expense). I honestly can't remember a single one though. Hmmmm. This bites (Eeeek. Even saying THAT makes me old!)

...and so are the Days of Our Lives.

Kahlen and I snuggled watching a PVRed episode of Days of Our Lives tonight. The WHOLE episode. My kid, Miss damn-it-mom-put-me-down-I-have-more-important-things-to-do-than-cuddle-with-you, snuggled in beside me on our lumpy, well loved couch, and watched an entire episode of Days of Our Lives. I attribute this to two very important factors: 1) She LOVES Stephano (the evil villain for those that don't watch) who was a major part of today's episode and 2) she had just wrestled me for the remote control and won. She played couch commando, dominating the remote, increasing and decreasing the volume level with glee. She lazily stretched out using my robust thigh as her pillow and I sat nearly motionless, fearing that one wrong move or breath may bring our moment to a grinding hault. We watched an hour of TV. I avoided fast forwarding the commercials like I normally do, greedily enjoying every second with my girl. Admittedly, watching TV with your 14 month old is far from quality time, but I'll take it because these moments of prolonged physical contact are rare for Miss K and I. For a fleeting hour my toddler regressed, and I had my baby back.