For those of you who know me...

For those of you who know me... this won't come as a surprise...

Im having a big cry tonight.

It was long overdue. I've been avoiding it for a while. I thought I'd try something new, that Id try not to cry and bottle it up instead. What a waste of energy! Im a crier. Its who I am. I am learning to embrace it. I might even stop apologizing for it one day. But for now, Im sorry, I couldn't stop it tonight.

Im frustrated. Im tired and frustrated. Im grieving, and tired, and frustrated. Im a wreck tonight.

It wasn't supposed to be like this. I know I sound like a spoiled teenager, but its true!  It wasn't supposed to be like this. Nothing went as planned. It all happened so quickly. It happened so fast, I feel like I still haven't caught up. I still can't wrap my brain around it. Im still lost and scared... and.... well... sad.

I have a wonderful friend, actually I have more wonderful friends that I think I deserve, but there is one in particular who inspires me, and who I am thinking of tonight. When I feel like I have been dealt an unreasonable hand; when Im feeling all of things things mentioned above; and more importantly, when I am pretending that I am okay, I think of her. I think of her because while I am pretending Im okay, she is admitting she isn't. I admire her ability to be vulnerable. I admire this skill for a number of reasons, one of which being that I am not good at being vulnerable. Sure, I have moments of it, usually short lived moments, but Im not very good at it. Im not comfortable with it. I feel awkward and embarrassed when Im vulnerable which is ridiculous because those of you who know me, know I talk about things that are exceedingly inappropriate and truly embarrassing with out batting an eyelash. I am apparently a walking conundrum (makes me sound pretty exciting eh? Im not, don't get too excited!).

That being said. I am inspired tonight (Thanks T!). This is my stab at vulnerability. Doing it online gives me the opportunity to give it a shot and avoid the obligatory hugs that come with it, the hugs that make me equally uncomfortable.

Im frustrated. Im tired and frustrated. Im grieving, and tired, and frustrated. Im a wreck tonight.