Simple Joys

I love the way very young kids act when they think no one is watching. They are so genuine. Kahlen just spent the last 20 minutes putting her doll in and out of her very own bouncy chair. Clapping each time she correctly put the doll into the chair. It was so adorable, and so cute to see her making sense of the world around her. I adore her. Makes me smile and feel all warm and fuzzy!

Looming First Birthday

My baby is nearly a year old. A year old! A whole freaking year old! My baby is nearly a year old! This, by default, makes me old. Im old. She is old and I am old. OLD! And it only took 365 days. My god!

I can hardly wrap my brain around it. I weep remembering back to the day she was born. I weep when I watch her sleep tonight, taking up a larger and larger portion of her crib as the days pass. I weep because Im a crier (see Just one of those nights...) and my baby is growing up so quickly. I never imagined being this emotional over the milestone. I don't know why this surprises me, I have squealed with delight and cried over all the other milestones. I have posted pictures and praised and bragged about my kid to the moon and back. And yet... I am surprised how much this birthday overwhelms me. My amazing little girl; my tiny little 25 weeker; my ass kicking, smirk wearing, hostage taking (of hearts of course!), cat crushing, 'dada' loving, little girl is growing up too fast!

I spent days, and weeks, and months begging Kahlen to get bigger and stronger... and now she is big and strong and I want to beg her to slow down. Ironic, no? I want to slow time for a few days. I want to take the time to remember how she feels in my arms, as I have forgotten how it felt to hold her when she was a mere 2, 4, and even 6 pounds. I want to take the time to commit her toothless grin to memory before her two new teeth take over her mouth. I really want to take the time to commit her attention seeking laugh, her infatuation with Steve's running shoes, and the way she nuzzles into my neck when we cuddle, to memory. I don't want to wish away another moment. I made a promise tonight, to Kahlen, that I would never wish away another second with her. I am resolved, I am committed, I am in love.

And with her wicked sense of timing she calls out to me "mom mom mom"... duty calls. I guess my baby is still a baby after all :)

Domestic Mom Strikes Again.

As mentioned in my last post, I am making 2 new blankets for Miss K. Its sort of a case of reverse nesting. I never got to nest because Kahlen arrived so early so I'm giving it some effort now. Ha! It gives me the chance to make her something, and it keeps me from going stir crazy too.

 So... The first blanket:

Choose two different colours/patterns of fleece fabric. I chose one solid and one pattern, but you could use two solids or two patterns if you wanted. Make sure the fleece isn't too thick, or it will ruin your scissors and give you a bunch of trouble! Also, the size/amount of fabric depends on how big you want your blanket to be. My pieces are roughly 1.5 meters and make a blanket large enough to cover Kahlen's crib mattress completely. Since I am making 2 blankets I wanted one to be big enough to grow into.

Grab your sewing box (or in this case Aunite Scotts), even though this is a "no-sew" project.

 

Lay the pieces of fabric on top of one another. Fleece is pretty stretchy so try not to pull the weave too tight if you can. Then pin the two pieces together about 7 inches from the edge. Next, you are going to cut strips that are 1 inch thick and 5 inches long along one side of the blanket. You can either cut directly into each side, or fold the side over 2.5 inches (shown above) and then cut.

Cut the entire length of the side. Make sure your scissors are sharp or your hand will really hurt!

Unfold alternating strips...

... and tie knots in everyother set of strips. Make sure to tie both fabrics together into the same knot.

I just lopped and knotted, but you could also use a square or 'regular' knot. Each creates a slightly different look.  A looped knot or square knot makes a neater fringe along the edge, a regular knot creates a more wild/fun fringe.

Knot alternating strips of fabric the entire length of the side.

Then flip the blanket over and repeat the same knotting steps. This helps keep the knotted fringe look neater because the bulk of the knot faces different ways, and make things more uniform.

(close up of knots)

This is one finished side. Repeat with the other 3 sides and... TA DA!

Blanket

Miss K hiding in her blanket.

(note: my camera is dying a slow and painful death. I apologize for the increasingly terrible photos)

Just one of those nights...

Im a crier. Im a big time crier. Just ask the people in my life. I cry, and Im not a fan of hugs (which often makes for awkward moments). I cry because 1) Im a softy, and 2) I often don't know how else to deal with something. I cried every day while K was in the NICU. Literally everyday. Tears of joy, sorrow, and fear. Often several cries a day. Now, I cry less often, but I cry. I cry when I think that my amazing little 25 weeker is going to be a year old in 10 days. I cry because I am so happy that she is sleeping quietly in the next room right now. I cry because we were told she would make it, twice. I cry remembering the times she was blue and unmoving. I cry remembering the first time I held her, the first time she wore clothes, the first time she smiled. I cry because I haven't finished processing it all yet, and Im at a loss how to deal with these heart wrenching memories. I weep bitterly, cursing everything and everyone at all once, about how unfair it was Kahlen came early, and then chastise myself for being so selfish. My daughter, my amazing little girl, is home... is healthy... is thriving! I am so lucky and have so much to be thankful for.... but I cry.

I am making a new blanket for Kahlen. I suppose if I am being honest I am making it for myself too. I am reverse nesting. My daughter is nearly one, and I have decided (sometimes against my better judgement) to start nesting. Odd, but so is life when your kid arrives 15 weeks early. I am on the floor with meters of fleece fabric. Warm, soft, inviting fleece. I am cutting, measuring, cutting again, and swearing. I laugh out loud at my pathetic attempt at domesticity (yet another one), and yet am excited for tomorrow morning when I show Miss K what I made her. I document the fiasco with pictures, hoping that Martha Stewart never stumbles across my blog, and Days of Our Lives plays in the background.

Then, she whimpers. My sleepy little girl whines. Quickly the whine develops and evolves into a cry, and then a wail. I leap up, 'mom to the rescue', and open the door to find her standing in her crib begging "mom mom mom". She desperately reaches for me, and I lift her and embrace her. She inhales deeply, still begging "mom mom mom" and then she lets out a long, sighing, peaceful, breath and melts into my arms. She snuggles her nose into the nook of my neck, and releases the tension of her body, trusting me to support each and every part of her growing body. She breaths deeply, and slowly, and I hum some random unplanned melody. We snuggle in the dark. Me, sitting on the most uncomfortable kitchen chair in the world, unsuccessfully masquerading as a nursery chair; and Kahlen, sleeping peacfully in my loving embrace. I cry. Its okay though, Im already getting a hug from Miss K... and for a change, its not an awkward one.

Where is OUR safety net?

Having your first kid can put strain on your marriage. I've heard so many parents reflect on their marriage during their first child's first year as being a 'rough patch', a 'tough time', and even as 'the year I just wanted to smack him every minute of everyday!' And now, being a first time mom, I can see where these experienced parents were coming from. I mean (and don't get me wrong, I love my husband and he loves me) there are in fact days where I just wanna smack him and say 'what are you thinking'. Its such a change, and no matter how prepared you think you are for it, you really have no clue. You might have checked off every box on your 'preparing for baby checklist' but nothing can prepare you for the change in priorities, communication, and lifestyle that comes with kids. 

Ok, you're all wondering. Are the Keller's having marital problems? Don't worry the answer is No, but we have had a major change in the way we live our daily lives, and it isn't always easy to say 'please and thank you' in the same way we used to. I wondered while we were in the NICU with K, what having a 25 weeker would mean for our marriage, above and beyond the fact Kahlen is our first kiddo. I was fortunate that the crisis of having Kahlen early actually brought us closer together. But not all parents in the NICU are able to do this, by no fault of their own. It is such a life altering experience, and in most cases it happens suddenly, without warning, and without a chance to step back, regroup, and move forward as a cohesive unit. Not unlike other traumatic experiences, we all deal with things so differently. None of them are 'wrong' but I can imagine how frustrating it would have been if Steve had dealt with it in a way contrary to me, or in a way I felt was 'wrong' (for whatever reason).

I have been fortunate enough to keep in touch with 15 NICU families, and many of them are going through 'rough patches' right now. It makes me frustrated think that the hospital doesn't have more 'safety nets' in place for the parents. Nothing is spared to help our kids! I really believe there should be a program (for those that want it) of support for parents. I know this wont solve the 'first year marital slump' issue but it might help parents avoid or navigate some of the pitfalls the NICU has to offer. It might just make that first year a bit less of a wild ride. I doubt having extra support or help will have any negative effect on anything but the hospitals budget. I just hate to see good people continue to 'suffer' after surviving the trauma of the NICU.

Am I the only one?

(Note: Beth, the social worker at RCHs NICU, does an amazing job with the resources available to her! This is no slight against her and all the wonderful work she does!!!)

Happiness in letting go!

Im sitting with my feet up, reading the paper and lazily sipping a coffee in the sun on a Sunday at noon. Its just like life before Miss K. It's so nice to have some down time while Kahlen sleeps. Im starting to get used to this new routine a bit. Steve and I started off as 'by-the-book' parents, but its a slippery slope once you stop saying 'well the books says...' and start saying '...just this once. Im sure it will be fine.'

 Im so much happier now that we stopped stressing so much about doing things wrong. I've come to accept that Kahlen will be scared for life, will need counseling in adult hood, and that it will be all my fault. Im ok with that. Ha! I mean I would never intentionally inflict any sort of trauma or harm to her, but I know that even if I did things 'by-the-book' she's going to tell me she hates me at some point (Im of course referring to the teenaged years of course).

So, once we threw the book out the window, we just kind of let Miss K tell us what she needs. When does she need to eat, sleep, play, get changed, etc... She is a very vocal little girl and has no problem letting me know if she needs something. That being said, she has managed to create her own schedule and stick to it. We let her do her thing, and its worked out so well for us. The routine is: she wakes up (between 8-930ish); she plays for an hour, takes a bottle, plays some more and 2-2.5 hours after she wakes up she is ready for a nap; she sleeps for 30-60 mins; wakes up, plays, eats, plays, eats; goes down for another nap (between 3-4ish) for about an hour; wakes up plays, eats, plays, eats; and around 8pm she takes a HUGE bottle and falls asleep and is out for the night.

The routine is pretty set, but there are minor changes day-day. I know none of you really cares about this routine, and Im not offended. I just wanted to point out that I get a morning and afternoon nap now, which is SUCH a luxury! I Love my getting up and playing with Miss K in the morning. I also love that morning nap when I can relax, have a coffee, or even take a nap myself. Its a little break in the day, and I like that I can count on it happening, and that Miss K chose this schedule. It takes the guess work out of it, and by letting her take the lead we are all happy.

Well my hour of sun, and relaxing is over. Miss K is awake and singing her 'up up up up' song. Thats my cue.

Parenting 101

I heard a mom at the mall yesterday say "well, MY child is perfect". I began pondering about that statement last night (yes! Watch out! Another ponder!) I sat down, and honestly asked myself "do I think Kahlen perfect?" And a great battle in my mind ensued. Part of my brain said "Of course she is! She is your daughter and all mothers are supposed to think their kids are perfect!". Another part of my brain was saying "Perfect? My kid doesn't sleep through the night! Perfect? Thats a joke!". And yet another part of my brain went back to a phrase my mom said when I was a teen that stuck with me "Perfect is boring!". And after much pondering, after the battle field in my brain was cleared and the dust settled, I decided that "NO my kiddo is NOT perfect, and I love her that way!" 

Don't get me wrong, I have a wonderful baby. She is a riot, a hoot, and a constant source of joy and laughter in my life! She keeps me on my toes, teaches me, learns along side me, and makes me feel complete (no matter how cliche it is)! But perfect is boring. Perfect eliminates the possibility for growth and change. Perfect desroyes those moments of excited learning. perfect is static, unchanging, and as my mom worded it 'Boring!". So I'll take my kiddo, just as she is, with room for growth and learning and change.

After having this epiphanal (is this a word?) ponder, I decided to browse online looking for parenting resources that supported my new ideology that kids are NOT perfect and need challenges and oppertunities to change and grow. These are a few I found that piqued my Curiosity:

The Committee of Skeptical Inquiry

This particular article on the site was an interesting read. Im not sure I agree with all of it, but for arguments sake, its a good 'think inducing' read. Its kind of slow in the beginning, but it picks up relevance as you go.Its basically exploring the possibilities created when raising a critical thinker.

SkepDad Blog

An interesting take on the elements of critical thinking: The "Three Eyes".

.... And just like that, my 'not so perfect' Kahlen wakes up just when I start to hit my searching stride.

Love it. Love her!

(P.S. I don't consider myself to be a skeptic, but I find I tend to lean more towards being a skeptic than being a faithful believer. I hate the idea of being classified, it seems limiting. I did include two skeptic websites though so I though I needed to make some sort of note to clarify ;)