Im fighting a loosing battle

I keep getting ideas for new posts but forgetting them. I think I may be loosing my memory. I fear I am getting old. Here is the mounting evidence in support of my old age:

- I found 3 new grey hairs this week (all of which I promptly plucked)

- I say things like "I remember that gas only cost 33 cents a litre when I first started driving"

- I have a kid. No, worse. I have a toddler.

- I actually eat breakfast at breakfast time

- Young people offer me their seat on the bus.

- I play 'Sag. Where is it?" rather than "Tag. You are it!"

- I have more food in the fridge now than beer in the fridge.

- I look forward to getting into my PJs and having a dull night.

- I turn of the lights to save money, not to make things romantic.

- I find myself singing along with the elevator music and saying "I loved this song when I was a kid"

- I have a party and when I apologize to the the neighbours they say "I didn't hear a thing!"

- I have begun to think that having sex while Kahlen is asleep in the next room is 'wild'

- My friends are getting married and divorced instead of hooking up and breaking up

- I no longer know what time all the fast food chain restaurants close at night.

- my grocery list actually include vegetables and fruit and not just 'rice' and 'kraft dinner'

- A late night run is now made to the grocery store for diapers instead to the liquor store for 'one more bottle'

- more and more frequently I find myself thinking "you know,my mom was right about this."

Terrifying. Truly terrifying. I remember the blog ideas were 'great' and would most certainly entertain the masses (most likely at my expense). I honestly can't remember a single one though. Hmmmm. This bites (Eeeek. Even saying THAT makes me old!)

Is that the sunrise already?

It is nearly 3am.

Kahlen has been crying and screaming off and on for 3 hours. 

It looks something like this: 

This is just am example of K melting down, This picture was taken yesterday afternoon.

I am at a loss. I have tried EVERYTHING. Seriously, EVERYTHING, and yet she cries. It breaks my heart and makes me furious at the same time. I snuggle her, reassure her, and... she cries.

Im at a loss. This is the worst part of parenthood!

*Warning Adult Tantrum*

Bad things come in 3s? I call bullshit. Pardon my language... but COME ON! I think I am on 'bad thing' number 32 in the past 18 months. Uhhhh. I was feeling negative before, but this... THIS, is the icing on the proverbial cake. I quit. I can't win. I try but I'm fighting a loosing battle against some... some... THING, I cant see, hear of ass kick. Uhhhhh. Give me a F*#@ing break! I am frustrated beyond any measurable means... I am PISSED. FURIOUS. ABOUT TO UNLEASH....

What, you ask, pushed me over the edge? Wouldn't you like to know...

Mother says....

My mother always said "if you can't say anything nice then don't say anything at all!" Well, No, actually she never said that. She DID say "I don't ever want to hear you saying the word 'Stupid' ever again, do you understand me? (all with teeth tightly clenched). So, in keeping with my mothers warning, I have be absent from the blogging world. I will resurface again when I am feeling less negative, can be a productive member of society, and remember not to dive into rants and gratuitously use the word "STUPID" (which is, coincidentally, frequently punctuated by some other less than appropriate word.)

Where is OUR safety net?

Having your first kid can put strain on your marriage. I've heard so many parents reflect on their marriage during their first child's first year as being a 'rough patch', a 'tough time', and even as 'the year I just wanted to smack him every minute of everyday!' And now, being a first time mom, I can see where these experienced parents were coming from. I mean (and don't get me wrong, I love my husband and he loves me) there are in fact days where I just wanna smack him and say 'what are you thinking'. Its such a change, and no matter how prepared you think you are for it, you really have no clue. You might have checked off every box on your 'preparing for baby checklist' but nothing can prepare you for the change in priorities, communication, and lifestyle that comes with kids. 

Ok, you're all wondering. Are the Keller's having marital problems? Don't worry the answer is No, but we have had a major change in the way we live our daily lives, and it isn't always easy to say 'please and thank you' in the same way we used to. I wondered while we were in the NICU with K, what having a 25 weeker would mean for our marriage, above and beyond the fact Kahlen is our first kiddo. I was fortunate that the crisis of having Kahlen early actually brought us closer together. But not all parents in the NICU are able to do this, by no fault of their own. It is such a life altering experience, and in most cases it happens suddenly, without warning, and without a chance to step back, regroup, and move forward as a cohesive unit. Not unlike other traumatic experiences, we all deal with things so differently. None of them are 'wrong' but I can imagine how frustrating it would have been if Steve had dealt with it in a way contrary to me, or in a way I felt was 'wrong' (for whatever reason).

I have been fortunate enough to keep in touch with 15 NICU families, and many of them are going through 'rough patches' right now. It makes me frustrated think that the hospital doesn't have more 'safety nets' in place for the parents. Nothing is spared to help our kids! I really believe there should be a program (for those that want it) of support for parents. I know this wont solve the 'first year marital slump' issue but it might help parents avoid or navigate some of the pitfalls the NICU has to offer. It might just make that first year a bit less of a wild ride. I doubt having extra support or help will have any negative effect on anything but the hospitals budget. I just hate to see good people continue to 'suffer' after surviving the trauma of the NICU.

Am I the only one?

(Note: Beth, the social worker at RCHs NICU, does an amazing job with the resources available to her! This is no slight against her and all the wonderful work she does!!!)

Sodium Junky

Hi, my name is Kelsey and I'm a sodium addict (Hello Kelsey). I have been sodium clean for nearly 45 minutes now (clapping, and words of encouragement). I first started using sodium when I was a kid (nods from the group). In the beginning it was just once in a while (more nodding from the group). A little salt on my dinner, a few potato chips as a snack, some mac and cheese for lunch. But as I got older, it started to spiral out of control. I was able to hide it for a while. I used to make excuses in front of my friends, "I only use on weekends" or "everyone else is doing it too." And everyone bought into my excuses, or turned a blind eye to save us both the awkwardness/embarrassment (nods of familiarity). It just got worse though. I lost my control. It consumed me (you're not alone. We've been there) I would wake up with salt all over the pillow and a bag of chips ripped open and licked clean beside me. I couldn't leave home without a salt shaker or bag of corn nuts in my pocket. I always was thinking about where and how I would score my next fix. I shrank...no...dissappeared from my social circle. I cancelled ladies night so I could sit at home in my PJs and eat rice swimming in a bowl of soya sauce. I used and used and used until I was so dehydrated I barely remember the month of January. I knew I had hit rock bottom when I snatched a cracker out of my daughters tiny little hands, greedily licking it, as she cried objections at me. I need help (you've come to the right place). I need to get better for myself and for my family (we're here for you). Thanks, I...I.. I just want to get better (Coming here is a great first step).

Okay, its not quite that bad, but I am a self professed sodium junky. One of my New Years resolutions was to decrease my sodium (or white death, as my father in law calls it) intake drastically. Support me. Be my SJA (Sodium Junkies Anonymous).

FYI: Here are the top 20 individual food sources of sodium in the American diet (couldn't find bupkuss about the Canadian diet):


1. meat pizza
2. white bread
3. processed cheese
4. hot dogs
5. spaghetii with sauce
6. ham
7. Ketchup
8. rice
9. white buns/rolls
10. Flour (wheat) tortillas
11. salty snacks/corn chips
12. Whole milk
13. cheese pizza
14. noodle soups
15. eggs
16. mac and Cheese
17. 2% milk
18. french fries
19. Creamy salad dressings
20. potato chips

Graco Stroller Recall

To be honest I had no idea about this recall until I read Stacey's blog this morning (very fun to read BTW). In keeping with the 'I encourage parents to be informed' part of me, I added a link to a CBC Online News article (which I also 'borrowed' from Stacey's blog). Hmmmmm. I think Im becoming a compulsive thief... more on that later after I get some coffee into my system... right now. Lets help save the world! One baby finger at a time :)

CBC Online News Article (Click Here)

People Just Don't Get It!

I think unless you’ve live in the NICU for 17 weeks with a premature baby (or even a few weeks with one) you just don’t get what it means to be the parent of a premie. Im getting really tired of people telling me that I’m over reacting when I ask them not to bring pets into my home, or wash their hands before holding K, or stay away if they are sick. I AM NOT BEING PARANOID! My kid was born 15 weeks early and I lived (sometimes just barely) though 17 agonizing weeks of watching her struggle and fight in the hospital, and then spending the rest of her life desperately trying to keep her safe and healthy and NOT wind up back in the hospital with her. How dare you idiots tell me that I am over reacting! How dare you even pretend to know what we all went though! Makes me just NUTS! Before you open you big mouth and try to preach to me about my kid, SHUT IT. I am a great mom, and my kid comes first, not you, your ego, or your feelings. Get off your soap box and quit before you start. Im not taking it anymore!

END RANT.

Does My Kid Have A Sleep Problem?

Okay. Flashback. 2 Months ago. My daughter sleeps. She sleeps well. We all sleep well. Really well.

Trip to see her grandma.

A head cold.

Teething (but no freaking teeth... argggg).

Stomach flu.

NOT SLEEPING WELL.

After another night of trying to calm Kahlen as she screamed and screamed and screamed, tearing my hear into smaller and smaller pieces left me wondering. Is my kid still sick? Am I am bad mom? or does she have a ‘sleep issue’? I hate feeling like I don’t know what I’m doing (right or wrong). I am stuck. I am at a loss. She is tired, possibly even over tired, but only wants to eat and eat and eat and eat and eat to put herself to sleep. I have spoiled her with this form of soothing (but Im the mom of a 25 weeker, and initially this was done to help her get bigger. She was afterall, TINY) and now it seems she may not know how to get to sleep without it. The other option is that after a week of feeling unwell with the tummy flu, she really is hungry and needs the extra food. I am torn. Should I give it to her or not? I err on the side of common sense and figure if she is eating it, she must be hungry. Better safe than sorry, right? I guess the whole experience, the whole production, the whole insane mess tonight just left me wondering. What is going on? I could go round and round and round wondering and pondering about every option, continually beating myself up for not know more (or knowing better)... but I wont... well not anymore. Im tired and I have a feeling K will be up again soon. *sigh*

Am I alone? Or is anyone else out there wondering any of the same things?

dangerously close to unleashing my 'inside voice'...

MY WASHING MACHINE IS BROKEN.... FAK!

THEY CANT FIX IT FOR 1.5 WEEKS... DOUBLE FAK!

TODAY WAS LAUNDRY DAY...NO CLEAN CLOTHES... TRIPLE FAK!

GET WHERE IM GOING WITH THIS?

PIECE OF JUNK...*MUTTER MUTTER MUTTER*...

READ THIS... IT PUTS IT ALL INTO PERSPECTIVE!

http://dooce.com/2009/08/28/containing-capital-letter-or-two

POONAMI!

WARNING: The following pictures are just plain disgusting!

POOOOONNNAAAAMIIII!

How can someone so small produce so much... poop?

The worst part was... she did this and smiled...

she must think this kind of crap is cute (pardon the pun ;)

After a quick back with Dad, she is squeaky clean and ready for....

.... lounging, veggin', and being a NUDIE!

Ahhh yes, we have a very classy little girl!