For those of you who know me...

For those of you who know me... this won't come as a surprise...

Im having a big cry tonight.

It was long overdue. I've been avoiding it for a while. I thought I'd try something new, that Id try not to cry and bottle it up instead. What a waste of energy! Im a crier. Its who I am. I am learning to embrace it. I might even stop apologizing for it one day. But for now, Im sorry, I couldn't stop it tonight.

Im frustrated. Im tired and frustrated. Im grieving, and tired, and frustrated. Im a wreck tonight.

It wasn't supposed to be like this. I know I sound like a spoiled teenager, but its true!  It wasn't supposed to be like this. Nothing went as planned. It all happened so quickly. It happened so fast, I feel like I still haven't caught up. I still can't wrap my brain around it. Im still lost and scared... and.... well... sad.

I have a wonderful friend, actually I have more wonderful friends that I think I deserve, but there is one in particular who inspires me, and who I am thinking of tonight. When I feel like I have been dealt an unreasonable hand; when Im feeling all of things things mentioned above; and more importantly, when I am pretending that I am okay, I think of her. I think of her because while I am pretending Im okay, she is admitting she isn't. I admire her ability to be vulnerable. I admire this skill for a number of reasons, one of which being that I am not good at being vulnerable. Sure, I have moments of it, usually short lived moments, but Im not very good at it. Im not comfortable with it. I feel awkward and embarrassed when Im vulnerable which is ridiculous because those of you who know me, know I talk about things that are exceedingly inappropriate and truly embarrassing with out batting an eyelash. I am apparently a walking conundrum (makes me sound pretty exciting eh? Im not, don't get too excited!).

That being said. I am inspired tonight (Thanks T!). This is my stab at vulnerability. Doing it online gives me the opportunity to give it a shot and avoid the obligatory hugs that come with it, the hugs that make me equally uncomfortable.

Im frustrated. Im tired and frustrated. Im grieving, and tired, and frustrated. Im a wreck tonight.

Birthday Pancake Breakfast

A birthday tradition. PANCAKE BREAKFAST! Yum!

Miss K thoroughly enjoyed her pancakes, as you can see in the photos below...

Finger Paintin s'cool, m'kay?

My baby is growing up. This week she started clapping, started waving hello and goodbye, and started understanding me when I talk (well Im pretty sure, since she seems to do what I ask her to now). She is quickly changing from a baby to a toddler before my eyes. It makes me a bit weepy, I wont lie, but it also fills me with immeasurable pride. I am a proud momma when I watch her solve problems, learn new skills, and communicate more and more with me. She is my life's hugest joy, which is cliche, but what can I say... its true!

Today I decided that we should try finger painting. Her hand/eye coordination, her finger dexterity, and fine motor skills are so much improved that I thought it might be something she would not only enjoy but also be quite good at. So I searched online for some 'eddible finger paints' (which believe me is a MUST with an 11 1/2 month old) and decided that some vanilla pudding (Jello brand of course) and a few drops of food colouring was the easiest and most palatable choice (most of the other had flour and cornstarch. ICK!)  

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I rounded up the necessary supplies. A package of vanilla pudding, some food colouring, a few containers to mix different colours in, some paper, and some tape to keep the paper in place.

I put a little pudding in each of the cups and added some food colouring.

 

I put Miss K in her chair and attached the paper to the tray 

(this alone was FUN FUN FUN for her, she laughed her butt off)

I put some puddin' on the page and just left her to her own devices. She was cautious at first...

 

... but quickly realized that the paint was not only fun... it was DELICIOUS!

 

and so began the eating, more than the painting. Ha ha ha!

She did manage to make some beeeeeutiful artwork though. Well beautiful by 'mom standards'.

In case you are desperate for a one-of-a-kind Miss K Original finger painting, we are accepting orders until the end of the week :)

Fun with Time Lapse

Today I had some fun!

No, really! I had TONS of fun.

I was goofing around on my lap top while Miss K slept and I found a few new things that my

Mac Book can do that I didn't know it could.

So I started to goof around. I started to play. Then Kahlen woke up and the real fun began.

I give you my 'energizer bunny' of a girl!

Time Flies!

7 months ago Kahlen Lee Keller made her dramatic (and very unexpected) entrance into the world. Where does the time go? Its hard not to get sentimental when I see how far she has come. The struggles, the fear, the tears of sorrow and joy... and now her smiles, snuggles, and laughter! I knew she would get bigger and stronger, but I never imagined she would get SO big, and SO strong, SO fast!  Today she turned 7 months old, and weighed in at 14 lbs (she is now weighs 7 times as much as she did when she was born) and is a 'healthy' and precocious little monkey. She can easily hold her head up on her own, roll from her tummy to her back, reach for everything (and put it in her mouth..yuck!) laugh, smile, and 'talk'. I am so proud of her, and so thankful that she is a part of my life. I am so amazed when I look back and see just how very tiny and fragile she was the day she was born.... and how roly-poly she is now!

What to go Kahlen, I LOVE YOU!

20 week ultrasound. Hard to believe she was born 4.5 weeks after this was taken.

Kahlen (in bump form) a week before she was born.

Kahlen on her birthday. She was about 10 minutes old here.

Only 900 grams and 13 inches long.... tiny sweet little thing!

The first time I got to see Kahlen, and our first official family photo.

Kahlen at 11 days old. Her left eye had just opened for the first time (she was born so early that they were still fused shut when she was born)

Kahlen at 2 weeks old and on CPAP for the first time.

Kahlen at 4 weeks old. She held my finger for the first time and made me feel like a billion bucks! She is wearing the teeny-tiny micro-premie diapers (1/2 the size of the Pampers premie size diapers) in this picture and they are still HUGE on her.

Kahlen at 5 weeks old... what a little trooper!

Kahlen 7 week old and enjoying her first tub bath. She was only 3lbs 10oz (they are supposed to be 4lbs) for her first bath and we were thrilled that Lanette let us help!

Kahlen wearing clothes for the fist time.

It was a premie onesie from Carters, and it was HUGE on her. Hard to believe now. Looking back through the pictures I realized I must have been REALLY excited because all of the pictures are pretty blurry... I guess I was too excited to hold still. I suppose it doesn't really matter though, Kahlen was basically refusing to pose and look even more cute than normal (I had hoped she would cooperate...) for the pictures. Oh well! I remember how excited I was that she was "just like a normal baby" wearing clothes. I have the onesie framed in her room now. Every time I dress her I can look up and remember just how tiny was, and how far she has come.

Kahlen at 8 weeks. On low flow for the first time.

It was such a joy to be able to see her face again after weeks of being covered by the CPAP gear!

Kahlen at 9 weeks old. Starting to fill out and look like a 'normal' baby.

I always chucked to myself when I used the term 'normal'... I think it became a synonymous phrase for a 'term baby'. Kahlen was normal, just premie. I was just thrilled to see her transforming, looking more round, looking healthier, bigger, and more and more like her dad.

Kahlen at 10 weeks old wearing her 'big girl' outfit. It was the cutest little matching pant and shirt outfit that her Moto bought her. It was the first thing she wore that wasn't just a onesie/sleeper combination, and I remember feeling so elated that she was finally able to wear 'normal' clothes. There was a momma/baby right beside us who had a toque that matched K's outfit. The baby's name was Charlize, but I can't remember Mom's name. She was so kind, beautiful and had the perkiest breasts I had ever seen! Ha ha ha ha! Anyways... she had the matching toque for her daughter, but gave it to us because she love the idea that K could match head-to-toe! I loved the thought, and also how cute it looked!

Kahlen at 11 weeks old. Just snoozing and relaxing.

Kahlen at 12 weeks old. Getting rounder, and cuter, and starting to REALLY take in the world. Her big, beautiful, brown eyes were always open and constantly taking in the world!

Kahlen at 15 weeks (the week of her due date). She just started to figure out she could put her hands in her mouth, and how to grab things. I have titled this picture "Look Mom, I have a cheek".

Miss K 16 weeks, and getting 'chubby'. She looks so round in this picture but she was only 6lbs... wow!

Kahlen the day she came home (17 weeks old).

She was 6lbs 8oz and we were SOOOO thrilled to have our girl home,

 and finally live together as a family under one roof!

Kahlen 18 weeks and snuggling with Momma at home. Getting more and more roly-poly.

Just to give you an idea of how much she has grown. The first picture was taken 4 days before she was discharged from the hospital. The second picture was taken 8 weeks later. BIG difference! When everyone told me that she would thrive once she got home I thought they were full of it... I didn't believe them that Kahlen could thrive and grow as fast as she did. Looking back I am really amazed!!!!!

 

Kahlen 6 months (or 25 weeks old).

In the first picture Kahlen had been out of my tummy as long as she had been in it!

 

Kahlen today!

What a change! What a Journey!

What a fantastic, amazing, strong, cute, and inspiring little girl!